I decided to throw myself a happy hour to share the name and pronouns I’m using at work now!
Conversations that came out of this choice led to working with HR, IT, and AKQA more broadly to find out how coming out at work might look for trans folx like me.
I’ve been out as transgender and non-binary in my life pretty broadly for the last 4 years. I started using Zen as my name with friends & social communities about 2 years ago, and as it felt more like home to me, I started using it in professional communities about 10 months ago.
I’ve heard a lot of the questions folks tend to ask about how to honor a social transition.
First I’ll be talking about the etiquette around my new name and pronouns that would make me feel best
Then I’d love to cover some gender and trans topics at a high level for those of you who feel like a little more education would help you understand where I’m coming from.
Pronouns
My pronouns are always they/them.
Instead of saying“She is on her way to Delta.” say“They are on their way to Delta.”
You, I, We, Us are already gender neutral pronouns, so don’t do the weird awkward thing of trying to use they or them in place of second person pronouns. I appreciate this bizarre gesture, but it’s not what pronoun shifts are about.(Yes people actually do this.)
If you’re speaking to me directly, use second-person“you”.“Is there some way I can help you?”(Hint: You already do this.)
I will include my pronouns in my email signature moving forward. I don’t expect people to guess my pronouns correctly. I’m non-binary in a largely gender binary world. I’m used to forms being designed without taking people like me into account. I’m used to the experience of always having to correct people. Being used to it does not mean it’s acceptable or that it doesn’t bother me, but it’s emotional labor I plan for. And I will make whatever gestures I can to normalize the existence of people like me.
That’s why I brought you all here to hear me ramble about my gender identity. 🏳️🌈✨
You may hear me introduce myself like this at meetings:
“I’m Zen Lara. I use they & them as my pronouns.”
Sharing your pronouns is an easy way to signal in an introduction to trans and non-binary people that they are welcome to share theirs. Please do not ask people for their pronouns only if they look to you to be visibly trans or gender non-conforming. This can make people feel unsafe and“othered”.
Hearing pronouns in introductions & seeing pronouns in email signatures does a lot for trans folks who may not be out yet to signal that the space is safe to be out in. Gender neutral bathrooms at events, and forms that don’t ask for gender or at the very least include a non-binary or custom option also serve to build for non-binary and gender non-conforming people.
Misgendering
I will assume best intent as people get used to using my new name. My expectation is that everyone is making effort to use my new name.
My old name and Zen are not interchangeable nicknames. Please make effort to use Zen moving forward.
If you use the wrong name or pronoun, correct yourself and move on. I get a lot of heartfelt apologies and witness a lot of allies self-flagellating when they mess up. You’re human. You’re doing your best, and I don’t want misgendering apologies to last any longer than they have to. This is not my favorite part of my day. I believe your apology, no need to explain why it happened. It happens a lot.
Please be mindful of the words you use for describing a group of people. Sometimes I’ll be included in a gendered collective like“Hey ladies!”. Yes, I cringed for the last year and a half that it happened, but I hadn’t done the emotional labor of being out at work, so I blame no one. Moving forward I will push back on gendered collective terms.“Y’all”“Folks”“Team” all of these are non-gendered collective terms.
Pronoun Enforcement
Sometimes friends and allies will ask me if I will permit them to correct pronouns on my behalf. For example if I’m at a meeting and someone casually uses“She” to describe me, a third person may take it upon themselves to gently(or sometimes not so gently) remind the person who used“she” that my pronoun is actually“they”.
I personally am comfortable with this practice, especially if I’m not present. Feel free to do this for me, and I appreciate it. I also do not expect this from everyone, but if you feel called to do it, please do.
I will urge you to ask the trans and non-binary people in your life before you do this for them. Some people would prefer to not have attention called to it.
Pronouns
Misgendering
Pronoun Enforcement
Summary